Notes while waiting for a transfer, part 1
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I’m here.
In and of itself this is a big statement. It’s been a long time coming but I’m finally on my way for GRS. I want to commemorate it in some way, and in many ways I have celebrated it more than I probably should. But now the celebrations are over, the preparations finished, and all that’s left is to sit in the O’Hare airport and wait until they start boarding. Two flights from now I’ll be in Thailand. Three days from now I’ll be laying on an OR table, waiting to go back to sleep.
People have asked why I went with a Thai doctor. The simplest answer is that a friend of mine did the same. I disagreed with her decision at the time but once she got back she couldn’t stop talking up Suporn’s work. I’ve heard from a few folks that you can’t really go wrong if you pick the top-tier folks but hearing a personal recommendation sold me on the doc.
Beside me a young Korean boy plays a Kirby game on his GBA. I’m sort of embarrassed that I know this just by the sounds coming from his game. I’d be playing my own games if I had wi-fi — too bad on that bit, really. Would love to play some TF2 right about now.
My mind is in a thousand different places right now. Partly I’m excited to arrive in Thailand, to explore the streets, take video, watch the world go by. Part of me is terrified of surgery in any form, and is dreading the actual surgery and recovery. Part of me is looking to four months from now, once everything heals and the pain is just another distant memory. Part of me is wanting to work on the novel behind this little diary window but knows it just won’t happen - my brain’s already filled to capacity and there will be no more room at the inn for more thoughts.
Priority one when I’m done with this surgery? Writing. I’ve got a story that is begging to head into draft and a novel that needs revision and publication. I’m ready to take that capital-W Writer mantle.
What I’m most excited about is being finally finished with the whole self-centered mess. It’s always been a problem of mine but lately the whole “I can’t think of you because I’m busy with me” thing has been a real impediment in my relationships. If I’ve annoyed the shit out of any of my friends, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. Things will be better when I get home, I promise.
I’m just glad the emotional weight will be lifting sooner than later. Honest. Once this is all over I get to stop worrying about being trans and go back to being a woman. This sounds like a simple shift but it’s a big deal in my head.
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